FFVIII: The off-season Summer Movie.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: The gang decides to make its very own off-season summer movie.


It was another boring day in Balamb Garden, as most of the days since stuff happened were. Our usual suspects were just sitting around doing absolutely nothing.  
"What should we do now?" Quistis asked, because she always tried to get people to do stuff.  
"HOWABOUTIGOANDEATABUNCHOFSUGARBOYOBOYILOVEPOKEMONIJUSTDIDTWOTABSOFVITAMINEOHITHINKIMDOOMED!" Selphie yelled out before convulsing from lack of oxygen to her brain.  
"I could sleep with various men and women around Garden," Rinoa asked.  
"I want in with her plan!" Irvine shouted.  
"Hey, I thought you only wanted *me*," Squall replied. The entire crew fell silent. "BWAHHAHAAHHAHAAHAHA!"  
"Well, we have nothing else to do..."Seifer replied.  
"Wait! Everyone loves off-season 'summer movies', right? Let's try and make one of those!" Zell exclaimed.  
"OHBOYOBOYICANACTUALLYBEINAMOVIEBESIDESTHOSEANTIDRUGSTUFFWHYDOTHEYPICKMEFORTHOSE?" Selphie said.  
"This won't involve any...VHS cameras or Ron Jeremy, will it?" Rinoa asked.  
"Lord, no! Huge budget! Special effects! Things blowing up!" Zell said.  
"DAMMIT! I WANTED RO...RO..RON JEREMY!" Rinoa wailed.  
"Come on! You said I was all you needed! Big Poppa Smurf, remember?" Squall asked.  
"Dude, that's NOT a compliment..." Irvine said.  
"Maybe later. Now, what do we need for this?" Quistis asked.  
"Well, the first thing we need, is a good villainous character for this one." Zell's eyes focused on Seifer.  
"WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE VILLAIN? CHICKEN WUSS!" Seifer yelled.  
"Well, maybe because you tried to kill all of us..."   
"Oh, yeah. But I said I was really sorry..."  
"Okay. We have the villain. Now, we need the hero. My basic plan for this calls for the typical things of an action hero:  
1) Good with his fists,  
2) Very short so that camera tricks can be done,  
3) Wild appearance that can be marketed... HINT, HINT..." Zell replied.  
Everyone fell silent.  
"Squall."   
"SQUALL"  
".Squall."  
"Squall."  
"Squall. "  
"Squall. "  
"DAMMIT!" Zell yelled.  
"Don't worry, you can be my sidekick. All good action heroes need a sidekick for comic relief." Squall said.  
"Well, okay..."  
"Now, the second thing we need is a good director. Someone who can make it come alive."  
"Where will we find one of those!" Seifer asked.  
"Well, most off-season action films use video directors in various jobs. 'Three Kings', giving a supporting role to that dude who did all of those videos. 'Charlie's Angels', giving direction to that other dude who did all of those videos." Zell replied.  
"Well, where are we going to find a director like that?" Squall asked.  
"Hey, Alan! You in?" Zell replied outside of the paper.  
"Eh, sure. Beats actually doing something..." I jump into the action.  
"Great! Another film geek! Now I can go back to eating my weight in hot dogs!" Zell proceeded to run to Garden.  
"Okay. Now, action film... What do we need? Ah, yes. We need roles for you people. Villain's main henchman... Irvine, can you...grow some form of quirk?"  
"I dunno. Do you want an actual physical deformity or just a character flaw?" Irvine replied.  
"Character flaw's fine...How about Tourette's Syndrome?"  
"Perfect HALALALALAAALALAADILDOSMACK!"  
"Excellent. Now for the ladies..."  
"Excuse me, but I think that we deserve some respect in our parts. We played equal roles in the game, after all..."Quistis replied.  
"Let's see..."  
"Bond girls."  
"Bond girls."  
"Bond girls."  
"Bond girlsBALLHAIR!."  
"Bond girls."  
"You're all pigs! PIGS!" Quistis stepped off.  
"Dammit! Who do I get to replace her?"   
"PART. NOW."   
"Fujin? What are you doing here?"  
"PLOT.HOLE."  
"Perfect. Now go with Selphie and Rinoa and dress in something sexy so that the American market will think you're pretty."  
"RAGE."  
"Good! Ride with it!"  
  
Oh, you're wondering what the movie was like? Well, let's see...  
  
"SHORT TIME."  
  
SQUALL:  
  
OH MY. THE EVIL SEIFERTRON IS TAKING OVER THE EARTH! COME, FEMMY CONDOM BOY, WE MUST STOP HIM!  
  
ZELL:  
  
WHAT? OKAY, WHY IS MY NAME FEMMY CONDOM BOY!  
  
SEIFER:  
  
SHUT UP, HE MADE ME A FUCKING ROBOT!  
  
Me:  
  
*cut...*  
  
SCENE THIRTY-SEVEN.  
  
SQUALL:  
  
DEAR GOD, FEMMY CONDOM BOY, WE'RE CAUGHT BY THE EVIL SEIFERTRON'S MINIONS, THE NAUGHTY TWINS!  
  
ZELL:  
  
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CALL ME THAT? IT IS SO DEMEANING!  
  
SELPHIE:  
  
I'MREADYFORMYCLOSEUPCOMEONIBROUGHTMYKITTYHELLOSOLDIERBOYSOOKYSOOKYFIVEDOLLA!  
  
FUJIN:  
  
RAGE. RAGE. CHEESE. SOAP. MINT. ZACK. BORT.  
  
Me:  
  
Cut...  
  
SCENE FOUR HUNDRED TWENTY.  
  
SQUALL:  
  
NOW I WILL STOP YOU, SEIFERTRON!  
  
SEIFER:  
  
WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED TO TOURETTES BOY?  
  
ZELL:  
  
It's... a wrap...for him.  
  
IRVINE (in female condom):  
  
NOOOOOOOOSCROTUM!  
  
SEIFER:  
  
Well, well. I'll just have to kill your girlfriend, PLOT DEVICE LASS!  
  
RINOA:  
  
HELP! HELP! SQUALL! Aw, dammit, I missed my line.  
  
SQUALL:  
  
Dear god no, I have no chance.  
  
ZELL:  
  
MAYBE I DO!  
  
(He throws a female condom towards Seifer. It wraps Rinoa up.)  
  
Me:  
  
DAMMIT! THAT'S SUPPOSED TO HIT SEIFER! IT'S THE BIG "SIDEKICK PROVES HIS WORTH" THING!  
  
ZELL:  
  
WELL, EXCUUUSSSSEEE MEEEE!  
  
RINOA:  
  
I...can't....breathe...  
  
SQUALL:  
  
This is a disaster. The Blair Witch Project had more luck than this...  
  
(Suddenly, a comet streaks down from the sky.)  
  
MAN:  
  
You couldn't beat the Seifer-Tron, BUT I CAN!  
  
RINOA:  
  
RON JEREMY!  
  
RON JEREMY:  
  
Here. I'll cut you free from this with my LASER EYES...  
  
(he frees Rinoa.)  
  
...AND THEN I'LL STOP SEIFERTRON!  
  
(He proceeds to kick some serious ass .)  
  
Everyone:  
  
YAY!  
  
Me:  
  
But how...did...that...MY MOVIE! NO! It's psychotic! I'll end up directing Chris Elliott specials for sure now!  
  
RON JEREMY:  
  
Cheer up, young first-time director. You're safe. Just add a lot of explosions and a really cool soundtrack and you'll be fine.  
  
Rinoa:  
  
Thank you for saving me, Mr. Jeremy. Could I have your autograph?  
  
Ron Jeremy:  
  
Meet me in my trailer and I'll give you something better.  
  
Rinoa:  
  
YAY!  
  
Epilogue:  
  
The movie was a complete and utter waste of the time it took to direct it. Bad acting, no story, completely bizarre. It opened to 25 million gil its first week, and will be splashing in America soon. Watch for it.  



End file.
